Let me transport you to another time. The year is 1939 and the world is on the brink of war.
A young Adolf Hitler is throwing his weight around Europe in army form whilst an even younger nun, Maria (in human form) has found that being a governess is not what Mary Poppins would have us believe.

Even in the face of peril, the threat of the German war engine ever approaching does little to dampen Maria’s high spirits as she weaves her homegrown magic into the hearts of a nation and also into the childrens curtain-clothes. Even as it is revealed that that the Nazis have taken over the Austrian Postal Service, Maria still finds the courage to sing out in defiance as she lists brown paper packages tied up with string as one of her favourite things, knowing full well that all packages arrive via Nazi Postmen.

Historians believe that this is but one of many indicators that suggest Maria was more than just an accomplished musician, singer, dancer, puppeteer, tailor, teacher, governess, nun and of course lover, but also a woman whose many talents hid a secret agenda which was to deliver a crippling blow to the Nazis by killing every last one of them.

Her songs were her weapon of choice when entertaining the Von Trapp children, but beneath their simple lyrics and complex melody structures lay the seeds of malcontent. She not only taunted the Germans with her “brown paper packages” line but also used this medium to release misinformation to the enemy should she ever be captured. Relying on popular folk song for intelligence, the Nazis would surely try to force her to reveal all resistance movements by confronting her with her least favourite things. Dogs biting and bees stinging were actually two of her favourite things (having grown up on a farm in the mountains) and a chance to frolic once more with the dogs and the bees would only strengthen her resolve and the Nazis would be trumped.

With her lonely goatherds relaying morse yodel back and forth between the resistance, she was soon able to establish her position one goose-step ahead of the Nazis. Her rallying “Climb Ev’ry Mountain” was now the catch-cry of the resistance. The Germans attempted a counterstrike by touring “Der Fledermaus” through the local towns in a thinly veiled attempt to drum up support for the invasion force but the tour didn’t last. It reviewed poorly and one critic even went so far as to say, “this is a thinly veiled attempt to drum up support for the invasion force.”

The damage had been done; the Germans had lost their foot-hold and it was now just a matter of time before Berlin fell (6 years to be precise). For the villagers, it was 6 years of rebuilding and then living but for Maria, she realised that she had been chosen for a higher purpose. It seemed that the Mother Superior had been right to let her leave the convent but now there was no going back for Maria. She couldn’t rest until she had foiled the Nazis at every turn, no matter if that meant opening the Ark of the Covenant, drinking from the Holy Grail or filming The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Maria may not be with us today but her heroinism will not be soon forgotten. This is but the first of a series of explosive exposés (explosés) in which we’ll rediscover some unsung  heroes and give them the appropriate big-ups. Until next time, we bid Maria adieu adieu adieu and leave you with this. In the months of painstaking research that in all probability did not actually happen, two things become quite clear to me. One of my favourite things is Maria, and the other is sixteen year old girls going on seventeen.

Yours sincerely,

Dave

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