Imagine you're a by-the-book kind of cop; the kind that keeps to himself but gets the job done. Now imagine that you get into work one morning and the Captain starts screaming for you in his office because the commissioner has been breathing down his neck for your balls in a vice. Not very pleasant at all especially when he wants your gun and your badge and wants you off a case you weren't even aware you were working on. Now let's replace the cop with a planet and the Captain with the International Astronomical Union and the book...well that can stay the same but it will have to be edited and re-published and the gun with a...this metaphor is getting out of control... What I'm trying to get at is that Pluto never hurt anybody so why strip it of its title? Or alternately, it's about time that useless rock did something useful with itself and maybe this is just the motivator it needs. Mighty Pluto (named by an eleven year old girl in 1930) was dull and uninspiring until the Chinese translated it as “The Underworld King Star.” Since that time it has been awesome. It was not until 2006 that Pluto experienced firsthand the truth that fame is a fickle mistress and the tide can turn like a tickled mistress. Pluto had competition; competition in the form of Xena (Warrior Princess). Xena was much larger than Pluto and by revisions to the definition, she was classed as a dwarf planet. Given that Xena was larger than Pluto, the IAU decided that they couldn't in good conscience be seen to be playing favourites. The result was that neither of them got to be planets. Xena, the ninth largest solar orbiting body was indeed affectionately nicknamed after the leather clad woman that beat up on gods on a regular basis. This of course was only temporary as it would set a dangerous precedent and lower the tone of Science Fiction writing for years to come if people were allowed to call planets after tv shows. So it was decided that the official name would be Eris (after the Greek goddess of strife). One moon orbits Eris which was named Dysnomia (the daughter of Eris in the same Greek mythology). And right there, if you missed it was the furthest reaching bit of comedy I'll probably ever witness. As an appreciator of fine wordplay, I felt it needed to be heard. So Eris was named because it kept the overall tone of the currently “in-crowd” of celestial bodies. The goddess Eris represents strife which tied in nicely given the trouble it caused for everybody by being discovered. But my favourite part of all was that the moon was named Dysnomia which translates as lawlessness. As I'm sure I don't need to tell you, Xena Warrior Princess was played by Lucy Lawless. Such a wonderfully full circle piece of comedy makes me smile when I look up at the stars (but mostly it makes me concerned that should the astronomers stop looking at the stars and decide to write comics I may just have my work cut out for me). Oh, also, it's probably nothing but Pluto is currently officially named 134340 which is a heck of a demotion. This is probably due to the fact that it's easier to remember now. I typed those numbers into a web colour picker and was not surprised to find that it was a dark aquamarine – not that dissimilar to what we can see of 134340. Now I'm not saying we're stumbling into some sort of universal colour conspiracy, just asking that you all stay alert and await further instructions. Yours Sincerely, Dave

Let me transport you to another time. The year is 1939 and the world is on the brink of war. A young Adolf Hitler is throwing his weight around Europe in army form whilst an even younger nun, Maria (in human form) has found that being a governess is not what Mary Poppins would have us believe.

Even in the face of peril, the threat of the German war engine ever approaching does little to dampen Maria's high spirits as she weaves her homegrown magic into the hearts of a nation and also into the childrens curtain-clothes. Even as it is revealed that that the Nazis have taken over the Austrian Postal Service, Maria still finds the courage to sing out in defiance as she lists brown paper packages tied up with string as one of her favourite things, knowing full well that all packages arrive via Nazi Postmen.

Historians believe that this is but one of many indicators that suggest Maria was more than just an accomplished musician, singer, dancer, puppeteer, tailor, teacher, governess, nun and of course lover, but also a woman whose many talents hid a secret agenda which was to deliver a crippling blow to the Nazis by killing every last one of them.

Her songs were her weapon of choice when entertaining the Von Trapp children, but beneath their simple lyrics and complex melody structures lay the seeds of malcontent. She not only taunted the Germans with her “brown paper packages” line but also used this medium to release misinformation to the enemy should she ever be captured. Relying on popular folk song for intelligence, the Nazis would surely try to force her to reveal all resistance movements by confronting her with her least favourite things. Dogs biting and bees stinging were actually two of her favourite things (having grown up on a farm in the mountains) and a chance to frolic once more with the dogs and the bees would only strengthen her resolve and the Nazis would be trumped.

With her lonely goatherds relaying morse yodel back and forth between the resistance, she was soon able to establish her position one goose-step ahead of the Nazis. Her rallying “Climb Ev'ry Mountain” was now the catch-cry of the resistance. The Germans attempted a counterstrike by touring “Der Fledermaus” through the local towns in a thinly veiled attempt to drum up support for the invasion force but the tour didn't last. It reviewed poorly and one critic even went so far as to say, “this is a thinly veiled attempt to drum up support for the invasion force.”

The damage had been done; the Germans had lost their foot-hold and it was now just a matter of time before Berlin fell (6 years to be precise). For the villagers, it was 6 years of rebuilding and then living but for Maria, she realised that she had been chosen for a higher purpose. It seemed that the Mother Superior had been right to let her leave the convent but now there was no going back for Maria. She couldn't rest until she had foiled the Nazis at every turn, no matter if that meant opening the Ark of the Covenant, drinking from the Holy Grail or filming The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Maria may not be with us today but her heroinism will not be soon forgotten. This is but the first of a series of explosive exposés (explosés) in which we'll rediscover some unsung  heroes and give them the appropriate big-ups. Until next time, we bid Maria adieu adieu adieu and leave you with this. In the months of painstaking research that in all probability did not actually happen, two things become quite clear to me. One of my favourite things is Maria, and the other is sixteen year old girls going on seventeen.

Yours sincerely,

Dave